.

My heart is beating irregularly fast. Like freakishly fast. I feel like I just ran six blocks. I can feel it through my neck. This doesn't really feel healthy. I also had a ridiculous migraine.. wait.. have a ridiculous migraine. Where did this come from? I swear I was fine two hours ago. Temperature change? Weather? Now I feel whispy and like I'm gonna pass out. But my heart is still beating like a maniac. What is going on. Now I can kind of feel my heart.. like, i can actually FEEL my heart on my skin. This is not normal. Fever? No idea. Bad timing, probably. Maybe because my body feels lazy. I didn't get home til 2 pm today. Afterward, I did nothing. I just need to get over this feeling of being sick sick sick

my arm itches

So. It's Friday, almost one week after getting back from New York. I really wasn't ready to leave. I wish I was there right now, actually. 

 This past week has been pretty terrible in some ways, lackluster in others, and just overall "blah." More days than not, I've needed motivation to get out of bed. It's the same, it's never changed, I don't want to be back yet. Jill seems to think it's because I run away from everything in my life, and while that might be true, you can't deny that karma has its way of showing you your biggest faults and everything you hate about yourself in other people. The Cleve event was insane. People had a great time, I guess. I was in a daze for a majority of it and pretty much living in altered states in the in-between of it. I just feel like I should be inspired to the tip of my toes.. instead, I wish I were back in New York. Mainly so I don't have to deal with this. 

 How long will something continue to be a pattern until you realize how detrimental it is to your well-being? Isn't that something worth preserving, worth fighting for? These last couple of days have been a reminder of how intense I used to fall into rituals. And while I haven't completely fallen this time, I can't help but think it won't ever be different, that the effort I used to put into structuring and re-structuring is all a product of waste.. waste waste waste, time wasted, efforts wasted, emotions wasted, being wasted.. wasted, everything just wasted. I thought I had escaped it. I hadn't. There's always going to be a part of me that will always crave it, always need it, and you know what? If it shapes who I am, then so be it. Be it, whatever. In my quest for peace, I always forget about myself. I've been in a funk for a long ass time, and I'm losing. Focus. FOCUS. "It's like you have the Charlie Brown syndrome.. the whole team's behind you, on your side, waiting for you to take charge, and god dammit all you need to do is take charge!"