Thursday, November 5, 2020

i ain't no activist. i'm the protagonist.


White people protesting for liberty in Nubian Square

while reinforcing the two-party system is so ironic

that my heart is wrung of its passion, wrought of its purpose to be standing there.

I feel separated, but my body remains

That’s fine. because

Biden or Trump, we are all colonizers

We choose to forget that, though. It helps us carry on with our days

Pretending whatever we do on this land is sacred or

Warranted or

Blessed or

healing.

Maybe it is healing. 

Maybe people need to believe that when they march

Past the police station

Past the construction sites of new condos

Past the black men smoking cigarettes on the corner they don’t invite to their protest

Or talk to

Or even realize are there

Past the stores and locally owned black businesses

They don’t give their money to

Past the homeless shelter they don’t know is a homeless shelter

Because the average age of an unhoused person in Massachusetts is 8

But as long as they remain hidden, they can march past

the place where the kids and their moms

are struggling to Zoom anywhere fast

And at a young age they already know that

“Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness”

was not written with them in mind.

Maybe it’s healing to march past them, right there

in the prison that is half a mile away they don’t know is a prison

Because it’s so pretty 

where nobody is posing for a selfie with an “I voted” sticker

It was renovated during the Obama administration

and now it’s better than ever

The best prison with the best views of the best first city of the USA

Where the median net worth for non-immigrant Black households is $8 

Where legendary Bill Russell endured a lifelong career of basketball and racism

where his own fans called him a coon, a baboon, the N word

the Celtic logo keeps smiling though.
I wonder if the folks in jail can hear the battle cries

The claps on the beat like white people do

synchronous to the helicopters hovering above

igniting fear into the brains of the rest of the city watching from their phones and computers

drowning out the voices of the homies on meth mile

marching past Michael on the corner with his bum leg and Dunkin Donuts cup

Begging for change

Begging for change

He’s literally begging for change

As they march past him while gripping their purses tightly in one hand 

And a black lives matter sign in the other hand

Michael’s black life won’t make the gram. He’s too real for a filter

so people ignore him and continue to march

Middle finger to the police who are there for no reason than to incite more fear

while Jodie and her strung-out boyfriend hold each other for warmth

between the dumpsters by the McDonald’s. 

“No justice, no peace.” 

It’s just us. No piece 

of the puzzle will fit the perfect picture of truth

No false idol will give them what they want:

A list of demands that they pass to someone else

When they could just do it themselves.

But they don’t know that

Or maybe they forgot 

so they march and they yell and they march

In the city that is a flea market of racism

Until they return to Nubian Square

Just to leave it again.



Wednesday, May 27, 2020

the reckoning

It's May 2020.  We've been in quarantine for over two months now.  I somehow got through my second semester of my second year of grad school.  It was without miracles and amphetamines, just pure human wills and won'ts.  Racism is as rampant as ever.  Police still killin unarmed black people.  Donald Trump calls COVID-19 a China flu.  White supremacy is still the rule of the land.  We fight back with education and enlightenment, awareness and alcohol, riots and riots and riots.  The heart can only take so much.  I'm coping with lists and schedules, select interactions, calling in and calling out when necessary, blocking and unfriending, weed and love.  I've been on medication for a solid two years now.  It's part of my chemistry now and probably the reason why I'm still fighting.  My birthday this year was a close call of falling back into death traps.  I did not want to be alive and, well, I somehow got through that too.  The weight of the world is still on my shoulders, but I've learned to manage its heaviness and I know it's okay to put it down for as long as I need to before picking it back up again. 

Music is the only constant, but sometimes, it isn't.  When the music doesn't give me what I need, the question then becomes, what does it give me?  It doesn't have to be absolutely transformative every time.  How exhausting.  Music has become, I guess, just another tool in my toolbox, but it's my favorite one.  It's the one with the worn down edges that make it fit juuuuuust right.  When it's not my refuge, it's my dragging anchor.  When it's not my power source, it's my Vick's vapor rub.  I have learned how to balance my relationship with music and my life so that it's healthy, not... needy and relentless.  The music never lies, but sometimes it does.

The best thing about my life is the love and self-respect that I have for myself.  I did that without the music carrying me, like I'm a parasite grasping on for dear life.  I did that shit by myself and I have no regrets.  That's why I don't write in this thing as often as I used to- I simply don't need to anymore.