Just as Bad

 Ah. I think I figured it out. It happens when the human spirit is repressed. Over a month since the last update.. everything is changing, shifting, forming. Movement growing, expanding, but we need more people here. We need more people on the ground. My relationships with my friends are good right now. I am having some trouble with following plans I made for myself in terms of grad school, but everything is changing, shifting, forming. I honestly don't know what is going to happen and I feel like so much already has that I don't even know where we can go from here. I can hope, I can guess, I can love.. in the end I guess life is how you deal with those tomatoes, you know. At the same time, there is an enormous chance I will completely fuck up my life, consciously. I'm back to "I don't know" again. I don't know. I don't know how this happens, I can't understand how or why shit happens, and I can't decide which method is really working, not for the movement, not for the struggle or the progress, but for me. Why is there a voice inside my head that tells me that life is not going to work out for me? Is it karma for how I dealt with my shit before? I don't know. Complicated situations are just part of me I guess. I just need to find something to live for, and the places I've found for now are the wrong places. They are so tempting and they are so wrong and I've come to that point in my emotional maturity to just not give a fuck sometimes. I pour my heart into too much of everything, I talk too much, and I feel everything. And sometimes, I don't know. I just want to stop.