crunch time

Welp, here we are again. I'm not sure what to really say except, damn, attitudes and habits live in your body much longer than the time it takes to extract them out of your blood stream with a pocket knife and an eye dropper. 

Still, I think it's worth examining if the real or perceived threat to myself is legitimate enough to continue being a sociopathic serial killer of hopes and dreams. I really don't know. I have relapsed once a few times too many which leads me to believe that this may be the pattern I will just have to learn to make a part of myself. What really matters, anyway? Who gets to measure my integrity? 

I know the sinking feeling is near and will avoid it to all costs, any and all costs, right now. I don't know. I see the promised land approaching and from my point of view, it's just a mirage. Maybe this is the part of the story where I disappear for a few years and come back to society as a polished enigma of whatever the fuck it was I was trying to be 3 years ago. Every day I make decisions that only clarify the unclarifiable.

When my dopamine levels even out I'll let ya know if it was all worth it. The way I've been living my life right now it doesn't even seem to matter in the slightest. Sigh.